My Lord and I
by epiper
Summary: [dot hack.Legend of the Twlight] A darker perspective on Reki's thoughts about his relationship with Balmung. Reki's PoV. Contains yaoi and mentions of a lesbian couple. (Balmung x Reki, Kamui x Magi)


My Lord and I

By Evonise

**Category:** dot hack.Legend of the Twilight

**Genre: **Angst

**Type:** One-Shot

**Rating: **R

**Pairings: **Balmung x Reki. Kamui x Magi.

**Warnings: **Yaoi. Mentions of a lesbian couple.

**Summary:** A darker perspective on Reki's thoughts towards his relationship with Balmung. Reki's PoV.

**Author's Notes: **Just a little thought that came into my head while re-watching and re-reading the dot hack.Legend of the Twilight anime and manga. Personally I see their relationship as a lighthearted comedic type of love, but it was raining outside.

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**My Lord and I**

It was neither rough nor sickeningly sweet. I suppose it was more of a love that swung here and there... with a basis on the fact that this was a relationship that could easily fall apart given the right circumstances or the entrance of another person.

I'm not sure if he wants me... and that thought makes me worry. I do want him very much; my whole being calls out for him whether or not he is here. Despite that I can hide my need for him all too easily, I'm jealous whenever Rena takes my Lord's hand or when Balmung blushes at her touch. I want to ask him if he will leave me for this girl and if his feelings for Rena are stronger than any he may have for me. But I'm afraid to ask him, and whenever I muster enough courage to voice the question, he always silences me by one way or another.

Right now his strong hands are holding me so gently, one supporting my head while the other traces little spirals upon my breast. His head lowers to place another kiss on my already swollen lips and I feel myself leaning into the touch... but he pulls away before I can reach him. A small whimper escapes me and he chuckles quietly.

My Lord enjoys playing games with me. I hate it. I do realize and acknowledge that hate is such a strong word, but I truly do hate these games. Every so often he will ignore me and won't tell me why. All the e-mails I sent him are disregarded, every time I call or shout his name will go overlooked, and when we are at work together - he will only grunt in answer. Balmung has even ignored me during sex! Of course he uses my body, but whenever I plead for him to slow or quicken his pace, there is no sign that he will comply or refuse. At times like these I am only another human to be used for his own pleasure. But it doesn't simply limit to torturing me during our private sessions. He'll flirt shamelessly with the new girl who was assigned into our block – making sure I'm in a position that allows me to see every tiny detail, hear every little giggle that comes from the now blushing female's mouth. He has me deal with every problem that arises, and much like now, uses me then leaves me feeling so empty and cold.

I am forlorn and alone on the covers, the sheets wrapped tight around my shivering form. I wonder if Magi is also used this way. I've told her many times about my relationship with Lord Balmung and even described a few of our more private moments. Occasionally she tells me how much she loves Kamui and how her Master's touches feel. When she is feeling particularly upset or sad, she would tell me how Kamui treats her... what Kamui does to her for punishment. I do know that Kamui is a harsh person, one who sticks strictly to her agenda and will use whatever means possible to accomplish any mission she is handed. Given the way she is and that she used to work under my Lord, it's hard to believe that Kamui could be affectionate to anyone – despite how ruthless her expressions of love may be.

...I worry about Magi. She assures me that she is fine, that Kamui never goes too far. Yet sometimes I picture her being abused by her Master and how her screams would sound like when Kamui hurts her. Sometimes I imagine Balmung doing such things to me. It is a dream, a nightmare that keeps me up till the late hours of the morning.

Magi and I are very much alike. We both love our Lords...our Masters, but we are only being used for their pleasure, their enjoyment, their own selfish desires. Despite that, we continue to fall in love time after time, again and again, knowing all too well that they have us wrapped around their little fingers.

The moon shines on me once more, through the glass in the window... and I feel warm? There is a tongue at my nape and insistent hands running down my thighs. No, the source of this warmth is only my Lord, come to toy with me again. His hands descend farther and the bed creaks under his weight as he lies down next to me. The fingers finally find their destination and knead me gently, pulling strangled cries from my lips. Balmung nips snake down my neck and I desperately kiss him back as I feel myself near completion.

"My Lord... Balmung..."

"You want me to stop?"

"No, no. Please continue... Ah!" My legs buckle upwards at the strokes and a shiver runs through my spine. I'm so near...

"Fine." The touches fade and I writhe against the blankets, nearly weeping at the loss and in pure frustration. Balmung quietly laughs in my ear, placing his lips on my tear-streaked cheek.

"Crying again? You did tell me to stop."

I know better than to argue, I've learned my lesson many times. Should I ever once retaliate, protest, or refuse to participate in his little games, he becomes bored of me and ignores me for weeks at a time. That is something I do not look forward to. Not only is he practically refusing my existence, he is also playing games with me... again. Amusing himself by toying with my sanity - enjoying the fact that despite how much I hate these treatments, my unwavering devotion will always bring me back to him. Many times I've broken down and cried, more or less on Magi's shoulder, because I could not do anything... cannot do anything about my love for him.

The caresses return and in time he mounts me, finally concluding our lovemaking. His low moans are deep, while mine are shrill. It is a further reminder that I am more like a pet, a dog, to my Lord than anything. More of a servant than an equal. A boy and not a man.

As his pants fall back to steady breathing, he pulls the covers back over us. I like to think that he is shielding me from the moonlight, claiming me for himself and him alone... but that does not mean he wants me most. His touch is soft against my arm and his head is set lightly against my own – lips slightly parted.

Even as I feel myself succumbing to sleep's call, a sudden urge of daring fills me and I am speaking the words before I can silence myself.

"Balmung? ...Do you love me?"

As usual, there is no answer. Then a breath brushes against my neck and I wonder if... if he will actually tell me this time. I wait what seems like an eternity - then his chest rises, falls, and I hear the beginnings of his snoring. Sighing in disappointment, I realize he is either ignoring me again or has fallen asleep.

I hate this.


End file.
